How does a person become transgender?

But I found my way. I wonder, how many versions of me also made that choice but a lot sooner, and howm many of those who didn’t are still alive? These questions sometimes haunt me at night.

So, a 100% rock solid diagnosis in 2014, hormones and testosterone inhibitors in 2015. Crazy falling in love with the most beautiful creature I could imagine (lucky me, a total sociopath) in 2014–15, crazy adventures. I am still 188 cm tall, so my identity may be feminine, I can still kick the ass out of 90% of the male population. And occasionally I do. So, essentially still a bi**h.

P U R E H E L L

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H A P P Y

Short answer- each ‘alleged’ or ‘card carrying” transgender has his or her (or their, whatever) own story. Mine is, I am what I am, and it has a “sort of” vagina, tits and I fu**ing prefer you call me “madam” or “miss”. Guy last month said “sir” and I squeezed my boobs (honk honk) and I said, “I got tits, so please call me miss’ so her laughed his ass off and we had a beer.

So, your question.

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So I never assumed transitioning was a realistic proposal. I saw trans women up until 2000 as some kind of very rare and extreme fringe phenomenon. I deal with quite a lot of them - I did function as a de facto pimp for some ten years. I worked with a trans woman, Leone why ran a BDSM house. I sat down with her, joked around with her first thing she says - “you are trans. You’ll transition within 5–15 years. I see it. I guarantee it.” I absolutely didn’t believe her.

But the sex. Holy shit, I was reborn.

So when I came back home in 2011 a trans girl moved into the appartment above me. She was a ten, like spectacular, literally a thin and elfin Marilyn Monroe. Sh gave me her Oestrogen summer 2012, I had palpable breasts formation literally 3 months later. My GP freaked out completely and claimed that me being trans was yet another aburd idea in a long series of me doing and saying absurd things. I had started wearing female clothes, and of course not the most tasteful kind.

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Neo : Why?

But - full gender reassignment in 2016. no more dick & balls, a vagina. Wild crazy parties like Wasteland since 2014. I learned dancing. And to my surprise I realize my life before all this was

This is me.

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I can descend in an almost silly number of semantic games, or philosophical debates, or endless diatribes on symptomatic gender incongruity or whatever the f**k, but I can only state for the record, fwiw, that the therapeutic process has saved my life and sanity. Salvaged what was left of my life. I should have done this way earlier but my big problem probably is I am too goddamn stubborn, and I wanted to ride it out as a male, for lack of imagination.

So is this real? Do Im know this is real? Frankly I don’t giove a flying hoot. I don’t mind either way. I dress this way. I fuck like an animal, even at my age. I am in sync with whatever the hell I am. I pass pretty decently and everyone calls me miss, even in eastern european countries. I got these huge t**s now, and it’s awesome.

You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be.

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So at some point my life starting malfunctioning, and it was always the fu**ng male role pattern s or expectations society places on my alleged (outwardly) masculinity. My marriage failed - my wife said “I am not a lesbian”. That was kinda a big clue. I was very tough and tall and muscled and dominantin m any areas. i had a really huge dick. But I couldn’t fuck if my life depended on it. I just wanted to cuddle and shmooze and talk and I was so absurdly, intensely bottom and passive. I wanted to do stuff with girls penises. I wanted to feel them inside me. I wanted them to take charge. I wanted to be cared for and protected by strong dominant women. So look at me at the time, I could benchpress 90 kilo, 3 martial arts black belts, sort of, 188cm tall. Always dressed in leather pants and longcoat.

Yeah well, YES I am a woman, because being so fu*ng works, that’s why - and the alternative as a GUY didn’t work and trying that road nearly destroyed me.

I am pretty solid on rejecting any such explanations, and I never had any regrets. I also never was overwhelmingly big on traditional “dysphoria”, but I sure as hell was very problematic in my sexuality. I was married to a relatively speaking knockout attractive wife. I did in fact had quite some sex with her.

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This extended in literally every aspect opf my life, even though outwardly I was an unattractive, very awkward and alienated, chaotic male specimen. If In tried maleness, in whatever aspect of my life, it was always absurd, felt fake (in myself and others), grated on my consciousness, etc. I tried actually quite hard - martial arts, bodybuilding, quite raw and masculine career choices, cerebral masculine studies, excessively male roles. These were all consistently absurd to myself and others.

And I no longer play the “approval” game.

It’s really weird. I started my transition well before the current relative increase in cases. I had my surgery at a relatively higher age. I looked at my feelings on the matter, I tried secondguessing my urges, I tried asking myself whether it is all just me being a pervert (I actually am quite sexually depraved, so there’s that) or maybe it’s all trauma.

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But I was essentially living the most silly, laughable lie.

But I ever ever considered sex with guys. It was just yuck. I didn’t want to do male on male gay sex stuff. I am not into gays. I am into women. Or In was until I transitioned. After my transition, I really dig both.

However, in retrospect I always chose the female role everywhere in games, in roleplaying games, everywhere. I was just blissfully happy everytime I did. But I didn’t want this in everyday life. I couldn’t make myself believe I could do this. I assumed I would fail at it, it would be absurd. Of course in secret I did experiment with crossdressing and even minor absolutely nonsexual gestures in this area felt acutely euphoric, liberating. So pretty early in my youth, around the 1990s I just told everyone I had a female or feminine ‘Operating System’ in my otherwise quite male body. People looked at me, though about it for a second and almost everyonme agreed that was a total bi**h most of the time, so yeah - female. It made so much sense to everyone. Everything I did suddenly made sense to these people. yep. Me, a crucial software functionality was female on the inside of my differenty outwardliness. Yep. Nobody disagreed.

Why does my mother care about my sister more than me?

Trinity : Please, Neo. You have to trust me.

So if you doubt me, I can only vouch for one thing. If I was transported back in time, and I was me at age 15 - I’d purposefully ‘transition’ come hell and high water and I would obliterate who would stand in my way in a manner so ruthless you can scarcely imagine.

So, at the VUMC here in Amsterdam they did the diagnostic pathway and waved me through with extreme confidence. Textbook case, all maxed out on ‘late transitioning’ trans. I didn’t even try - all I wanted was endrocrynological work, “and I’ll find my own way”. I didnt want surgery. I just decided I would live in this new matrix, and not let anyone ever superimpose anything on me ever again. I didn’t call myself trans or transgender or transvestite or drag queen or transgender or transsexual. I didn’t hang out with the scene. I just did what I did, intuitively, unsupervised, driven my feral bestial instinct. I knew what I wanted and homed in on it and everyone that got in my way I crushed like a bug.

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Not sure. For me the voyage was worth it, largely I now find myself I made it over the ocean, to the promised new continent and I do fu**ing well on this side of the planet. So again, am I a transwomen? How I know?

If I would have transitioned back in the last century at a much younger age, would I have enjoyed a normal life as a nominally (optically) normal female?

I am a woman.

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It imploded catastrophically around 2010. I spent some time in Washington DC and a guy there helped me a LOT. I stayed with a most inspiring couple - Dan and Alison Massey, two luminar in trans related topics and I was discovering the functional aspects of my actual operating system. I discovered the hidden apps in my memory and I ripped loose.

Now let’s look at the facts. I should have been 6 or seven and I clearly recall freaking out, to the point of pure panic and crying, over some sexual stuff. I felt gnawingly, overwhelmingly at odds with the male bodies in the depictions (shitty porn magazines) and felt an extreme urge and desire to be the female. I wasn’t. I felt acutely aware I wasn’t female. I found what I saw spectacularly compelling, as long as I contexturalized me in typically female roles.

I am a b**tch.

now, every day.

I live this and finally now I look at my life and I say, “yeah I can do this”. Shit works. I am still a mental case, and quite dangerous to bad people around me, and I have a big mouth on me, and I brag wayyy too much - but I am slut and I love it.

before any of this and to my surprise agaim I am naturally

I am no lady.

Trinity : Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road.